"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Eva Mendes

Today's Celebrity Gum Photography Lesson:  Challenging lighting conditions.

Here to illustrate is one of the stars of "The Place Beyond The Pines," Eva Mendes.

Natural lighting at dusk: too dark.

The blast of a paparazzi flash: too harsh and glaring.

The mellow glow off a bald guy's head: just right!

Practice with your own gum, celebrities, and bald guys!  

Friday, March 29, 2013

Brian Williams

"There he is.  Are you ready?"         "Hell yeah.  Let's do this."

"Mr. Williams!  Would you autograph our case of bottled water?"

"Please, Mr. Wiliams!  We've been waiting for hours!"

"I don't think he's gonna sign."          "Offer him a bottle of water."

"Mr. Williams!  Please!  You can have a bottle if you're thirsty!"

"We brought this water all the way from 10th Avenue!  And we dressed up!"

"Mmm, delicious water!  Just sign!"

"We love your news show!  Big fans!  Please sign, Mr. Williams!"

"Crap.  There he goes."      

"I thought Brian Williams signed water.  I thought it was a thing."

"Guess not.  Okay, we're dressed up and we've got this friggin' water.  Now what?"

"Let's go over to Fallon.  Maybe someone famous there will sign it."

"Okay.  But you carry it, my arms are tired."

"No can do, bro.  I'm carrying the credential."

Tune in next time, when the third paparazzo tries to get Willie Nelson to autograph his yoga mat!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Donald Trump

A dramatic arrival by this larger-than-life character!  The bold red tie, the elegant limo, the commanding presence: a classic photo!

Thumbs-up to the crowd!  A shrewd move by a man who knows how to cultivate popular opinion!

There he goes!  Fabulous!  A CelebriGum winner for sure!

(Full disclosure: CelebriGum, like the Miss USA pageant, is now owned by Donald Trump.)

(Additional disclosure: I didn't want to sell out to Trump, but I was in a bind.  I've learned a hard lesson this month: don't stash CelebriGum's cash reserves in the Bank of Cyprus.)

Monday, March 25, 2013

Albert Brooks

In honor of the beginning of Passover, let's review the 10 Plagues of the Arriving Late Show Guest, as illustrated by comedy legend Albert Brooks.

1.  Difficult-to-exit SUV's

2.  Publicists

3.  Blinding flashes from the --

Hold on, my phone's ringing.

Oh my gosh!  That was Kate Upton calling to accept my invitation from the previous entry!  I really didn't think it was going to happen!  This is so great!  I have to go get ready.  Sorry, but I can't finish the rest of this entry.

What?  Of course Kate Upton really just called me!  Of course I was prepared to go all the way to ten plagues!  You people are so cynical.  

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Kate Upton

A cute news story getting a lot of play recently is a Los Angeles teen asking Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover model Kate Upton to his prom via a YouTube video.  Kate has tentatively said yes, if her schedule allows.

Inspired by this young man's boldness, I decided to speak up when Kate came to the Late Show.

"Kate!  Up here!  It's Steve Young, from CelebriGum!  Will you go to the North American Gum Website Spring Gala with me?"

"It'll be fun, Kate!  I'll introduce you to people from Wrigley's and Dentyne!  There's free sandwiches and soda -- and gum!  All the gum you want!  Kate?"

"You could just drop in for like twenty minutes!  I bet they'll put you on the cover of Gum Illustrated!  Please, Kate!  We don't even have to dance!  Kate!"


Guess I'll just take Sofia Vergara again.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Gerard Butler

There he is: Gerard Butler.  Star of movies, television, and theater.

And, I'm sorry to say, criminal genius.

Yes, criminal genius.  Look closely and try to figure out how his scam works.

It's actually quite simple and elegant.  While Gerard draws everyone's attention with his commanding presence and good looks…

… his confederate steals valuables from the luggage compartments of nearby buses.

It's over, Butler.  You and your buddy are going away for a long time.

Another bus luggage crime mystery solved -- by CelebriGum!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Selena Gomez

Theory: Selena Gomez's bare legs somehow cause cops to gesture.

The evidence:

No!  The theory is not proved by the photos.  It's the logical fallacy of equating correlation with causation.  In Latin, it's known as "cum hoc ergo propter hoc": "with this, therefore because of this."

None of this is actually important.  I'm just trying to impress Selena with brainy-sounding stuff about logical fallacies and Latin.  Let's see Justin Bieber match that!

(In Latin: Videamus Justin Bieber aequas, ut!)

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Steve Carell


To most people, it means "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone," starring Steve Carell.  

To me, it also means the fossilized piece of gum that's endured years of rain, snow, searing heat, and bitter cold.  

"The Incredible Burt Wonderstone" -- in theaters now!

The other incredible wonderstone -- on the ledge now, and possibly forever!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Jim Carrey

For years the APMA, the American Podiatric Medical Association, has been pestering me to do some sort of feet-themed CelebriGum entry.  I've been putting them off with vague assurances like "Yeah, definitely soon…"  "I'm working on it…"

What a lucky break: Jim Carrey not only wore wacky giant feet on the Late Show, he continued to wear them outside after his appearance!  

Okay, American Podiatric Medical Association, this is for especially you:

This entry is also especially for the AVWS, the American Vestigial Wing Society, an advocacy group for people with this rare medical condition.

Thanks to Jim Carrey for using hilarious antics to raise awareness of vestigial wings, and of feet!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The CelebriGum Conclave's Choice: Ricky Gervais

Yes!  White smoke!

The conclave of CelebriGum Cardinals (also known as CelebriGum fans on Facebook) selected Ricky Gervais as the new CelebriGum star.

Ricky, who has selected the name Wrigley Dentyne IX, is humbled by the honor, mindful of the burden, but excited by the opportunity.

During his two day reign, Ricky hopes to restore discipline to a CelebriGum organization widely seen as corrupt and inefficient (hey! I'm right here!), improve outreach to younger generations, energize CelebriGum efforts in the developing world, and work to improve ties with other gum-related websites.  

It's a staggeringly complex task.  Good luck, Ricky!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Michelle Williams

It's the age-old CelebriGum question.  Which is preferable: 

The arrival shot?

Or the departure shot?

As Michelle Williams so eloquently puts it…

Eh, whatever, who cares?

Catch Michelle in "Oz the Great and Powerful" in theaters now, and next weekend at the Shruggie Awards, where she's up for Best Shrugging Actress!  8 p.m. Sunday on the Gesture Channel!

Michelle, do you think you'll win?

 I guess I was asking for that one.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Two "Modern Family" Guys

This is a historic entry. CelebriGum has partnered with Insta-Tech Feedback Solutions to make CelebriGum entries more interactive.  If you have an Insta-Tech account, simply type in your reactions to each photo in order to help guide how the rest of the entry unfolds!

Here's Jesse Tyler Ferguson, one of the stars of "Modern Family," with his fiance Justin Mikita.

****** (Insta-Tech data being gathered and analyzed) ******

Very interesting!  85% thought the photo was "dramatic" or  "cool" and would like to see more like this.  64% would like to see the guys hugging; 52% asked for some sort of gesture to the crowd.

Coming right up!

****** (Insta-Tech data being gathered and analyzed) ******

Great!  Nearly all respondents found this photo even more satisfying than the first, though they also indicated that they're looking forward to seeing Mr. Ferguson's co-star, Eric Stonestreet.

****** (Insta-Tech data being gathered and analyzed) ******

While 67% appreciated seeing Mr. Stonestreet's face, and 53% thought the orange cones were a nice visual element, 96% found this photo less satisfying than the Jesse Tyler Ferguson pictures.

Let's see if this is an improvement. 

****** (Insta-Tech data being gathered and analyzed) ******

Excellent!  Everyone thought this photo of Mr. Stonestreet was superior.

However, 89% of respondents said they now realize they can abuse the system by requesting any bizarre thing that comes to mind, such as a photo in which Mr. Stonestreet appears to wear a cone as a hat.

Okay, fine.

****** (Insta-Tech data being gathered and analyzed) ******

Oh, come on.  I'm not even going to dignify the last batch of responses with a reply.

This concludes CelebriGum's partnership with Insta-Tech Feedback Solutions.  You people are obviously not mature enough to handle the responsibility of interacting with a gum and celebrity website.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Chris O'Donnell and the Annual CelebriGum Pledge Drive

Hi folks, sorry to do this to you, but it's Pledge Drive time at CelebriGum.

To keep those wonderfully stupid images of celebrities and old gum coming, we need funds to pay for things like paparazzi flashes during the long winter months.  Otherwise a photo of "NCIS: Los Angeles" star and director Chris O'Donnell crossing 53rd Street looks like this:

Won't you contribute what you can?  Depending on your level of pledge, you'll receive a great thank-you gift like a CelebriGum umbrella, totebag, combination "umbrotebag," or DVD of "CelebriGum: The Movie: On Ice: An Unexpected Journey."

Let's check in and see if we've raised enough funds to hire a paparazzo or paparazza to fire off his or her flash on a cold, rainy New York night.


We're close to our goal, but we haven't met it yet.  I hear phones ringing, but I could be hearing more.  I know many of you have been enjoying well-illuminated evening gum photos of stars like Anne Hathaway, Tom Cruise, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition models, just to name a few.  Now's the time to pick up the phone or make an online donation -- hold on -- I'm being told that we've just reached our goal of $25 million!  

Let's get a better look at Chris O'Donnell!

That was definitely worth it.

Thanks to everyone who pledged!  We'll keep that great CelebriGum programming coming your way because of your support!  The rest of you losers can suck it.




Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Joan Rivers

You can always tell when it's Joan Rivers arriving.  She invariably has the biggest stretch limo of any celebrity who visits the Late Show.

The indomitable Joan is always a good Late Show guest.  This is Joan's sixth CelebriGum appearance, by my count. 

Okay, there she goes.  Now, back to that limo.  Something just occurred to me.

 Of course Joan would prefer a car that's had a lot of work done.