"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Selena Gomez

career website recently released its rankings of 200 jobs.  Several factors were considered: working environment, employment outlook, income, and stress.

"Selena Gomez Standing Place Pointer" was ranked 3rd, surpassed only by "Actuary" and "Biomedical Engineer."  Apparently the pay is great, it's a decent work environment, there's high demand, and the stress is low.

Strangely, the "Selena Gomez" job, while generally desirable, was ranked only 35th, between "Respiratory Therapist" and "Astronomer."  The pay is excellent, but it's very stressful being told where to stand.

"Celebrity and Old Gum Photographer" was ranked near the bottom at 193rd, between "Roofer" and "Meter Reader."  No pay. Hanging around old gum all the time.  Low demand.  And brain-melting stress, let me tell you. 

I'm going to take some night school pointing classes and see what happens.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Guess The Mystery Celebrity

 Can you guess the Mystery Celebrity from studying her shadow?

So as to not place the answer directly below, tempting you to glance at it before you've had a chance to really formulate a guess, here are several "filler" elements.  Reprising the theme from the recent Steve Martin entry, they're from vintage trade publications.

From a 1904 issue of "The Gas Engine," a monthly trade magazine for the gas engine industry, encompassing stationary, automobile, and marine engines.  

From the August 1921 issue of The American Hatter, the fan favorite that was introduced in the Steve Martin entry.

From the September 1894 issue of The Starchroom, one of the leading laundry industry publications of the era.  Some would say the leading laundry industry publication of the era.  I think the jury is still out.

Okay.  Enough weird old crap.  The Mystery Celebrity is…

Kate Hudson!

Kate, a favorite of wide-awake laundrymen everywhere, is no freak.

Enigmatic Kate Hudson bonus photo:

Vintage trade publication bonus image:

From Hardware Dealers' Magazine, February 1910.

There's a lot of this stuff available for browsing on Google Books.  Occasionally there's a scanning misfire:

What were we talking about?  Oh right, Kate Hudson.  Sorry, I get distracted easily by weird old crap.

Friday, April 26, 2013

A.J. Clemente

Two quite different strategies for achieving instant fame:

1. Be a rookie news anchor who doesn't realize his microphone is on and mutters profanities during the first few seconds of his very first newscast, thereby getting fired but also becoming a media sensation who appears on the Late Show.

2. Be photographed by CelebriGum walking down 53rd Street with a piece of paper inexplicably clamped in your mouth.

Will their fame be fleeting?  Will either ever be featured on CelebriGum again? 

A.J., you were charming and we're all rooting for you.  That said, I have an unerring instinct for picking winners, and I don't think we've seen the last of Paper-In-Mouth Guy.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Steve Martin

Setting: my brain
Dramatis personae: two perpetually arguing voices in my brain (everyone has those, right?)

Voice 1: There he is, in the fedora!  Hey, you know what would be cute?  Use the photo editing software to put Steve's fedora on the gum!

Voice 2: Ehh… no.

Voice 1: Do it!  Do it now!  He's about to get in the car, and then the entry will be over, and you'll have nothing!

Voice 2: I don't know; it seems both right-up-the-middle and meaningless.

Voice 1: You don't have the luxury of worrying about that when… hold on.  That wasn't his car.

Voice 2: Okay, good.  That buys me a little more time.  

Voice 1: Hurry!  Steve's car is right behind the first one!  You still haven't figured out a viable idea for this entry, have you?

Voice 2: It's just photos of celebrities juxtaposed with old gum.  That's enough.

Voice 1: That's not enough!  It hasn't been enough since the third entry!

Voice 2: I know, I know.  I always come up with something.  Give me a second, I'm thinking.

Voice 1: No time to think!  Put the fedora on the gum!  It'll be cute, it'll seem like something!

Voice 2:  I just… eh, I can't.

Voice 1:  Too late.  He's in the car.  You blew it, Mr. High Artistic Standards.  Game over.

Voice 2:  Hold on… what about….

Voice 1:  Huh?  I don't even get that.

Voice 2:  I know.  That's why I like it.

"Two Voices In My Head Arguing About The Steve Martin Entry" is brought to you by the August 1921 issue of The American Hatter Magazine, which reminds you:

Voice 2: This website has run completely off the rails.

Voice 1: For once, I agree with you. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Chelsea Handler

There's comedian, author, and host of E!'s "Chelsea Lately," Chelsea Handler.

She seems to be moving at a leisurely pace.  I wonder if I have time to run all the way from the second floor to the sixth floor and back before she gets inside.

Let's find out!

 Third floor!

Fourth floor!

Fifth floor! 

Sixth floor!

Fifth floor!

Fourth floor!

Third floor!

And there she is, just approaching the stage door! 

Whew, I'm "out of breath." 

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Special Edition: First Responders

I can remember few weeks in which silly celebrity fluff, with or without old gum, has had less claim on our attention.

Looking back through my files, I realized I had a fair number of shots of cops, firefighters, and even paramedics.  Even on a good day in New York City, they're around, making the life-or-death decisions that the rest of us can only dimly imagine.

Here, then, is a tribute to celebrities, in the sense that these men and women are to be celebrated. 

The presidential motorcade gets to go the wrong way down a one way street.

That's Selena Gomez signing autographs across the street, if you care (but really, why would you?)

 Nick Offerman greets firefighters.

EMT's standing by during a trampoline act:

Can CelebriGum survive this bout of sincerity?  Will historians point to this entry as the moment that CelebriGum jumped the shark?  Nah… the shark was jumped the moment I put up the very first entry in August 2010. 

Just remember, when shark-jumping ends tragically, as it often does, our first responders are there to help both the jumper and the shark. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

HBO Women

Despite my affection for my home network of CBS, I must admit that HBO has a lot going on.  Here are three women from two of HBO's blockbuster shows.

From "Girls," Zosia Mamet, who plays Shoshanna Shapiro

Also from "Girls," Allison Williams, who plays Marnie Michaels
(Photo by guest photographer Tom Foster.  Nice job, Tom!)

 From "Game of Thrones," Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen

I don't watch "Girls," but I do watch "Game of Thrones."  That's why I can make the following insider reference:

That's a dragon egg.  Because in "Game of Thrones," Daenerys is the "Mother of Dragons," a young woman who finds herself struggling in New York City without financial help from her parents.  Daenerys and her friends try to figure out careers and love with the help of the three dragons she hatched from ancient eggs purchased at the Brooklyn Flea Market.

(P.S. to HBO: I have great ideas for shows that are daringly new yet comfortingly familiar.  Call me!)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Martin Short

The great Martin Short acknowledges the fans and paparazzi by the stage door.

At least I think there were fans and paparazzi by the stage door.

I hope there were.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Willie Nelson

I've been holding onto these Willie Nelson photos since November, waiting for a new technical breakthrough to be perfected.  Now, at last, it's ready. 

Introducing CyberSmoke!

Thanks to a collaboration between Willie and CelebriGum, CelebriGum fans can now enjoy an authentic marijuana smoking experience by simply clicking on the gum in this entry's photos!

CyberSmoke is currently legal only in Colorado or Washington.  But I'm not a cop, if you hear what I'm saying.

Try it!  You may have to click a few times to get it going, but after a moment your computer or phone will begin to emit marijuana smoke!  

Keep clicking on the gum!

Still not working?  Let me check with your internet provider; CyberSmoke is a new technology, and we still occasionally run into a bug or glitch.

Meanwhile, keep clicking!

Good news: I just contacted your internet provider, and in fact there was an issue with the CyberSmoke system that has now been resolved.  So get clicking, and enjoy!

Nothing yet?  It should start working any minute!  Enjoy, courtesy of CelebriGum and Willie Nelson!

Keep clicking!

Friday, April 12, 2013

Harrison Ford

Harrison was on the show to promote "42," in which he plays legendary baseball executive Branch Rickey.  His performance is earning excellent reviews.

In Harrison's long, successful career, he's played space rogue Branch Solo, swashbuckling archaeologist Branch Jones, Captain Branch Vostrikov in "K-19: The Widowmaker," President Branch Marshall in "Air Force One," and the title character in "Regarding Branch."

He's certainly cornered the market on a certain category of movie role.

Bonus Artsy Shot!

I'm a regular Branch Leibovitz!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Lindsay Lohan

Take that, doubters!  She showed up! 

So did a lot of other people. 

This photo in particular has fun details.

The excitable paparazzo

The just-happened-by hansom cab driver

 The excited mom and the unimpressed kid

The encroaching guys being cautioned by security

The distracted woman with the leopard print parasol

 The shouter 

Lots more interesting detail in this photo…

...including this guy, who may have actually met Lindsay a couple times.

Be well, Lindsay!  Keep disproving the doubters!