"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Keith Olbermann

Despite the driving rain . . .  

. . . Keith took a moment to gallantly doff* his hat to the few hardy paparazzi by the stage door.

Or maybe he just had a falling out with his hat.  He has a reputation of moving from hat to hat, invariably ending the relationship with a bitter feud.

*Yeah, I just used the word "doff."  Deal with it.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Roseanne Barr

Our long regional nightmare is over.  

Nobody knows who left the cage unlocked during Jack Hanna's last visit on March 28th, but after the show, the leopard was gone, and Jack had to go back to Columbus without it.  He assured us the big cat would come out of hiding when it got hungry.

Oh, it came out, all right -- long enough to drag the occasional unlucky intern or audience member back to its unseen lair to be devoured.  But the show must go on, and CBS and the Late Show hushed up the story.  Leopard attacks were the new normal.  The price of doing business.

Until Roseanne said "Enough."

Outraged by the show's disclaimer that it wasn't responsible for leopard-related injuries or deaths, she arrived early at the theater, cornered the majestic beast in the boiler room, killed it, and took its beautiful pelt as a trophy.

She was too modest to tell the story on the air, but outside she was hailed as a hero.  Plenty of people in the neighborhood knew the dark truth about the previous months.

Thank you, brave Roseanne, for risking a $50,000 fine and up to one year imprisonment for violating the Endangered Species Act!  You look fabulous, by the way! 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Jim Carrey

Like many celebrities, Jim gives back to the less fortunate.  In addition to donating large sums of money to research, he takes the time to personally greet and comfort victims of male pattern baldness.

Jim Carrey, YOU are a CelebriGum Hero!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Cee Lo Green

Over the past year I've posted a lot of photos of celebrities with the gum.  Some of the photos have been terrible.  Most are so-so.  Occasionally, thanks to the broken-clock-that's-right-twice-a-day principle*, I've snapped a good one.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is one of the best ones.

*Fun Fact: Scientists are close to perfecting a broken clock that's right three times a day.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Julia Roberts

Take the CelebriGum Sidewalk Gum Challenge!

Carefully study the positions of all the blackened gum spots in this photo of glamorous film star and hair part enthusiast Julia Roberts.  

Got them all memorized?  

Now look at the next photo and determine which spot has been moved.  No peeking back at the original photo!

Did you get it?  

Answer: The spot that was moved slightly is this one.

Hmm.  Not as much fun as I'd hoped.  Lesson: not just any old gum can be the focus of CelebriGum.  There really is something magical about that piece on the window ledge.

Bonus!  Make up your own annoying game involving this additional photo of Julia, or just look at it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jon Cryer

In honor of Mr. Cryer's CelebriGum appearance, I set out to write a clever parody of the theme song of his hit CBS show, "Two And A Half Men."

The process turned out to be fairly straightforward.  I replaced the word "men" with the word "gum," and the word "manly" with the word "gummy."

Here are the results:

Gum gum gum gum, gummy gum gum gum!  
Gum gum gum gum, gummy gum gum gum!  
Gum gum gum gum, gummy gum, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.
Gum gum gum gum, gummy gum gum gum!  
Gum gum gum gum, gummy gum gum gum! 
Gum . . .

Weird Al, if you're reading this, give me a call and let's talk shop.  

Monday, July 18, 2011

Rachel Maddow

Ms. Maddow may be down to earth in most respects, but she does enjoy some perks of belonging to the media elite.  How many "regular folks" own a custom-made leather waffle case?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Daniel Radcliffe

Okay, let's just get all the Harry Potter jokes out of the way:

Harry Potter And The Little Gray, Sooty Sorcerer's Stone.

Up there, Harry!  On the ledge!  It's a horcrux!

The gum is so hard, it's like someone hit it with the Petrificus Totalis spell!

Look, it's a dilithium crystal!  Warp speed, Obi Wan!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

CelebriGum Salutes Emmy Nominees!

The web's premiere celebrity-and-old-gum photo site congratulates these fine actors and actresses on their Emmy nominations:

Kyle Chandler, "Friday Night Lights"

Julie Bowen, "Modern Family"

Ty Burrell, "Modern Family"

Melissa McCarthy, "Mike & Molly"

Good luck in September, nominees!  And a heart-felt "thank you" to the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences for giving CelebriGum an excuse to use up four photos which weren't inspiring any clever remarks.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Norm Macdonald

NOTE: The following CelebriGum entry is a "standby" entry that's been sitting on the shelf for several months, and some of the references may now be slightly out of date.

Norm visited the Late Show to promote "Sports Show with Norm Macdonald," a very funny show that will no doubt remain on the air for many years to come.  

We were glad to have Norm back after a long absence.  It was starting to seem that he was as impossible to find as Osama bin Laden!

Don't forget that you can follow CelebriGum on Twitter: @CelebriGum and @PANTSSteve.  Twitter is a powerful social media tool that's used by many well-respected people, like Congressional rising star Anthony Weiner.

Speaking of respected politicians, I hope someday I'll get Arnold Schwarzenegger for CelebriGum.  Now that he's out of office, his life must be pretty uneventful.  Drop by the Late Show, Arnold, and bring Maria!

Time to go--basketball game's about to start.  The Miami Heat look unbeatable this year!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Tom Hanks

 Nice cufflinks, Tom!

Yes, Oscar winner Tom Hanks is wearing sterling silver replicas of the gum.  Tiffany & Co. recently approached me to propose a merchandising tie-in, and I immediately said yes to their elegant design.  Since introducing them in June, Tiffany has sold 857 pairs of CelebriGum cufflinks!*

*Figure includes 500 pairs sold to Newt Gingrich.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Betty White

Betty White is a showbiz legend and a consummate professional.  She's been appearing with old gum since before most of today's celebrities were even born.

Not sure whether it's the same piece of gum.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Justin Bieber

OMG, here he comes!  But remember, girls . . .

The Bieb giveth . . . 

. . . and the Bieb walketh away.

Bonus Biebermania CelebriGum video!

I happen to know that at least three of the girls were screaming for the gum.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Kathy Griffin

The Late Show is proud to partner with the American Dental Association in encouraging celebrities to take better care of their teeth.  We offer each guest a free sidewalk cleaning and checkup performed by one of our talented amateur dentist stagehands.

Unfortunately, like all our guests, Kathy claimed to be in too much of a hurry to accept complimentary dental work…

…and muttering a vague promise to floss, she got into her car and departed.

We might have to rethink this program.  Maybe we need to offer prizes like stickers or colorful pencils, or throw in a free physical.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Jason Bateman and Jason Segel

It's time for heavy-handed morality lessons illustrated by the two Jasons: Jason "Goofus" Segel and Jason "Gallant" Bateman.

Jason "Gallant" Bateman always appears with the correct piece of window ledge gum, ensuring that his photo is a genuine CelegriGum picture.

Jason "Goofus" Segel rudely arrives when I'm at the other window.  He ends up photographed with the despised Evil Gum.  

Jason "Gallant" Bateman walks sedately toward the stage door, refraining from any provocative behavior.

I'm not sure what Jason "Goofus" Segel is doing, but it's more interesting than walking sedately toward the stage door.  Plus, now he's with the right gum.  

Here's another shot of Jason "Goofus" Segel that I find oddly pleasing. I'm starting to like this bad boy.

What have we learned?

1. There's good and evil in everyone.

2. Often, the evil character turns out to be more interesting.

3. If you name your child "Goofus," you deserve whatever mayhem ensues.