"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Monday, January 30, 2012

Simon Baker

Carrying on a proud tradition, Late Show intern Justin Tasolides stepped forward to snap this picture of "The Mentalist" star Simon Baker when I was away from the window.

Intentionally or not, Justin went with the always intriguing "gum in focus/celebrity out of focus" approach.  The gum looks fantastic; Mr. Baker is still recognizable.  Really quite good. 

I was at the window later when Mr. Baker departed.  The challenge of full-dark wintertime CelebriGum photography is apparent.

You don't need The Mentalist's heightened powers of observation to see that guest photographer Justin is the hero of this entry.  Thanks, Justin!

In the immortal words of Han Solo, "Great, kid.  Don't get cocky."   

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Jamie Oliver

The perils of being a CelebriGum star: fans just won't leave you alone.

"…so I say to my wife, we gotta get down there to meet Jamie Oliver, because he's been in some of our favorite CelebriGums!  Like your first one, November 30th 2010.  Funny stuff.  But the best was the April 9th 2011 entry.  You remember that one, right?"


"You were the first celebrity who ever looked up at the camera -- and in fact you're still the only one!  Must have been thrilling to be in such a milestone CelebriGum, right?"

"Mmm, yeah.  Look, I should get going."

"Yeah, I don't want to keep you.  But listen!  You're like a chef or something, right?  You should do a cooking show about gum!  People know you from CelebriGum, it would be the perfect tie-in!  I mean, I realize you don't cook gum -- or maybe you do!  What do I know, you're the expert, right?  But you could have a clever title for the show like "Yum Gum."  See what I mean?"

"Mmm.  Anyway, I need to --"

"So we came down a few weeks ago when Johnny Depps was here.  He's also been in CelebriGum twice, as I'm sure you know.  He was Blackbeard in those pirate movies.  We didn't see those movies but our kids like them, right?  So Johnny Depps has a lot of security, we couldn't get near him, but if you see him you can tell him George and Belinda McDrottle say "Hi" and we love the hat he wears on CelebriGum!"

"Sure.  Nice to see you folks, I have to go, I have a thing downtown."

"Yeah, we should get going too.  Did you see the Scarlett Johansson CelebriGum?  Classic!  We'd like to meet her someday -- Mr. Oliver?  Jamie?  Are you okay?"

(Despite faking a seizure, Jamie Oliver was 20 minutes late for his thing downtown.)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rooney Mara

CelebriGum congratulates Rooney Mara on her Academy Award nomination for her work in "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"!

Ms. Mara is the first actress to be nominated for portraying a tattooed bisexual Swedish computer hacker since 1981, when Katherine Hepburn won for her performance in "On Golden Pond."

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Elizabeth Banks

Those paparazzi flashes are amazingly powerful.  Just how powerful? 

A radiologist friend says: "Examination of this CelebriGum image reveals that Ms. Banks' lungs are clear, her spinal vertebrae are in excellent condition, and in general the musculoskeletal structures show good health.  However, a couple issues could require attention: at some point the "Man On A Ledge" star swallowed a quarter, and a pair of scissors was apparently left in her abdomen during a surgical procedure."

Thanks, paparazzi, for helping to monitor celebrities' health as well as helping CelebriGum get useable photos during the dark winter months.

12 days til I reveal the identity of the Mystery Gum Chewer during halftime of Super Bowl XLVI!  That's two over-hyped events in one day!  

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Will Arnett

The results:

The backstory:


"Hello, CelebriGum, Steve speaking."

"Hi, Steve, Larry Shropkin from Elite Preferred Pinnacle Talent."

"Oh, sure. You're Johnny Depp and Mitt Romney's gum agent.  Those gigs turned out nicely.  What can I do for you, Larry?"

"Well, in addition to Johnny and Mitt, I also represent Will Arnett for gum-related appearances.  Will's going to be in town on January 3rd, and he'd love to get on CelebriGum."

"Is Will doing the Late Show that day?"

"No, he just wants to do CelebriGum.  He's a big fan."

"Great.  Now, Will's a funny guy, I love him, but are you sure he's ready for CelebriGum?"

"Absolutely.  He'll get out of the car, he'll walk down the sidewalk, he'll pause by the door for the paparazzi.  He knows exactly what you need."

"January 3rd… let me check my book… well, I've got Lisa Lampinelli on the 3rd, but yeah, I could fit in Will also."

"Fabulous!  He'll be there between 3:50 and 4:15.  I'll call that morning to confirm."

"Fine.  Looking forward to it, Larry.  My best to Will."

"Now, Steve, while I've got you, I also represent Saif Qaddafi.  I know he's gotten a bad rap, but he loves CelebriGum and --"

"Larry, I've got another call."  


Friday, January 20, 2012

Jeremy Irvine

The Late Show was excited to welcome Jeremy, the breakout star of the Steven Spielberg film "War Horse."

The Late Show also tried to book the horse, but its demands were just too outrageous.  Private jet.  Private stable in midtown. (Do you know how hard that is to find?)  Bushels of organic carrots from a certain farm in Vermont.  And "dates" with hot, slutty horses from Golden Saddle Equine Escorts.

Forget it.  That's not how we do business. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Heather Morris

Heather Morris is one of the stars of "Glee."  An intensely devoted "Glee" fan is called a "Gleek," a combination of "Glee" and "geek."

So what would an intensely devoted fan of CelebriGum be called?

A Glum?  A Gunk?  Hmmm.

If you're an intensely devoted fan of CelebriGum, I recommend you refer to yourself as "an intensely devoted fan of CelebriGum."

Or you may decide to just keep quiet, so people don't think you're a Gurk.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise arrives at the Ed Sullivan Theater to film the CelebriGum Super Bowl commercial, which will air during the second quarter of the game on February 5th.  

I paid NBC $3.5 million for the 30 second spot, plus about a million more to hire Tom and shoot the commercial.  It now occurs to me that this may have been a terrible idea, since CelebriGum doesn't sell anything.

Oh well.  Live and learn.

COMPLETELY SERIOUS P.S.: During halftime of the Super Bowl, I will reveal the answer to the question that has been asked ever since the dawn of CelebriGum: who chewed the gum? I thought it would be a mystery forever, but new information recently came to light, and it checks out.  Watch this space.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Lindsey Vonn

Seeing legendary downhill skier Lindsey Vonn reminds me how psyched I am for the upcoming 2012 Winter Olympic Games!

Wait a minute, there's no winter Olympics this year.  

Maybe I still have some 2010 curling matches on the TiVo.



Thursday, January 12, 2012

Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes I'm ready at the window when a star arrives, and I take dozens of shots while he or she greets fans, poses for paparazzi, and chats on the sidewalk.  

Sometimes I get to the window just as a celebrity hops from the car and dashes straight for the door, and I have exactly one chance.

Usually I post bonus photos on the CelebriGum Facebook page.  There will be no Jerry Seinfeld bonus photo.

Here's a sneak preview of the emergency back-up bonus photo, taken at Costco.  Parental discretion is advised.

Thanks for your understanding.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Tom Brokaw

Journalist and author Tom Brokaw visited the Late Show to promote his new book about discarded gum, "The Grayest Generation."

Oh, excuse me, my phone is ringing.  It must be someone calling to tell me I've won a Peabody Award or a MacArthur Genius Grant or a Webby Award or something!


False alarm.  It was just Al Gore calling to say he now regrets inventing the internet. 

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Tina Fey

Tina Fey isn't content with just being an Emmy-winning comedy superstar.  She also has a deep desire to give back to the community.  For the past two years, she's quietly been running Warm Necks Warm Hearts, New York City's most successful non-profit lost scarf return organization.

"Each winter, forty to fifty thousands scarves are lost in New York City," says Tina.  "Some are quickly retrieved by their owners, but most end up in the city's Misplaced Scarf Holding Center in Long Island City.  A few years ago I went in to look for a lost scarf of my own--I found it, luckily--and realized I could do a lot to reunite New Yorkers with scarves that fell out of a pocket or got left in a restaurant or whatever.  That's why I founded Warm Necks Warm Hearts."

At the Astoria offices of Warm Necks Warm Hearts, the walls are covered with thank you notes from young and old, rich and poor.  Phones ring constantly.  Amidst the chaos, Tina and a staff of volunteers scan the city's online lost scarf database and try to match entries with descriptions on the Missing Neckwear Reports forwarded by the NYPD.  When there's a hit, Tina personally picks up the scarf from the Holding Center and brings it to the grateful owner--usually a couple dozen per day.  "One crazy day last February, I delivered 79 lost scarves," Tina says, smiling at the memory.

Though Warm Necks Warm Hearts gets a small amount of funding from the FLIA, the Federal Lost Items Agency, most of the expenses come out of Tina's pocket.  "I just wish I could do more," sighs Tina.  "There's a warehouse in Brooklyn with over four million lost mittens, gloves, and wool hats." 

Friday, January 6, 2012

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney's not going to let Jon Huntsman's CelebriGum challenge go unanswered.

As explained in the previous entry, Governor Huntsman skipped Iowa in order to concentrate on his CelebriGum appearance.  But with a net worth of approximately $200 million, Governor Romney has the resources to compete both in Iowa and on CelebriGum.

And as you can see, Mitt takes impressive gum photos.

The sober blue "I'm in charge" tie.  The crisply parted hair.  The glowing white shirt.  Even the hint of gum-like gray at the temples.

And the classic campaign trail handshake.  But there's something more.  An odd detail with a subliminal message.

That's a $5 New York Lottery scratch-off game called "$1,000,000 Winfall."

Romney = 12 chances to win up to a million dollars?  Wow, this guy is a genius.

Your move, Huntsman.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Jon Huntsman

With all eyes on the Iowa caucuses this week, pundits are questioning the wisdom of Jon Huntsman's strategy.  Governor Huntsman skipped Iowa to concentrate on his CelebriGum appearance.

Will the gamble pay off?  Of course CelebriGum is huge in New Hampshire.  And Huntsman's pro-gum and pro-ledge policies seem to be gaining traction with voters.  

But if the rumors are to be believed, Mitt Romney is planning a CelebriGum blitz of his own in the coming days.  

Stay tuned to CelebriGum's Decision '12 Headquarters for more on this developing story.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Matt Damon

 A completely bald Matt Damon…

…visited the Late Show to promote "We Bought A Zoo" and announce the sequel he's already filming, "We Bought A Zoo Near Chernobyl That Caused Our Hair To Fall Out."

The lighthearted family film will be in theaters Christmas 2012.