"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Justin Bieber

Behold the pop star.  Acclaimed by millions, yet lonely as a piece of discarded gum.

Complete nonsense, of course.  He had a large entourage, and there were hundreds of people screaming at him from every direction.  I just cropped them out.  Here's a video that gives you a sense of the pandemonium:

I think it's cooler to portray Justin alone, brooding about art, fame, and the surprising amount of old gum that litters the urban landscape.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to see a doctor about my damaged vocal cords.  Okay, yes, a few of the screams were mine.

NOTE: CelebriGum will be on hiatus until the week of July 9th, so that top-level CelebriGum management can attend the annual Worldwide Gum Humor Conference in Amsterdam.  In the meantime, enjoy the extensive CelebriGum archives going back to the summer of 2010.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Blinded By The Light

Oh, those paparazzi flashes.  The blinding bursts of light have long been a part of CelebriGum, blasting stars such as…

Bonnie Raitt….

Robert Pattinson…

and Tina Fey. 

But as this photo of Krysten Ritter of "Breaking Bad" and "Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23" proves…

The ultimate paparazzo is God. 

A message from CelebriGum and the National Council of Somewhat Confused Churches.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Dr. Phil

Uh, Dr. Phil?  You're a great guy, and it's fun to have you on the Late Show, but looking at these photos I couldn't help but notice…

… it wasn't raining that day.

You may have psychological issues requiring treatment.  

Friday, June 22, 2012

Betty White

Oh Betty, she's really keen
She's got electric boots, a mohair suit
You know I read it in a magazine, oh ohhh
B-B-B-Betty and the gum

Special message to Elton John: More than 68 million people worldwide stutter.  It's not your fault, and speech therapy can help.  For information about treatment and other resources, contact advocacy groups such as the National Stuttering Association or the Stuttering Foundation of America.

p.s.: this entry was written under the influence of a low-grade fever and Nyquil.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Nathan Fillion

It's painful to write this entry.

Various circumstances, including easy credit during the boom years, profligate spending, and, I'm sorry to say, corruption, have resulted in CelebriGum owing 200 billion dollars.  

Revenue is holding steady at $0.

Fortunately, a bailout was put together by the European Central Bank and longtime CelebriGum fan Angela Merkel.  We've averted default for the time being.  However, the debt restructuring plan includes austerity measures: this photo of Nathan Fillion, TV's "Castle," has been reduced in size by 50%.

Sorry, Mr. Fillion.  Thank you for your heroic efforts, Angela.  We'll get through this together.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Noomi Rapace

She's a hot new name in film, with starring roles in the original "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" movies and now "Prometheus."  But despite Noomi Rapace's growing fame, I guessed that a spell check program might be suspicious of her name.  

Sure enough, based on the suggestions for both her first and last names, perhaps her parents meant to name her Onion Replace, Norm Papacy, or Gnome Repair. 

And thanks for the suggestions, spell check, but I think I'll stick with the name CelebriGum.  The critical elements of celebrities and gum aren't really conveyed by Cerebrum, Clambering, or Clobbering.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Neil Patrick Harris

Neil Patrick Harris arrives to host the 63rd annual Trios, the awards show for celebrities with three names.

Winners this year included Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Sarah Michelle Gellar, James Earl Jones, David Lee Roth and Tommy Lee Jones (tie), and Jamie Lee Curtis and Kathie Lee Gifford (tie).

Other highlights of the telecast included a musical tribute to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, an arm wrestling match between Catherine Zeta Jones and historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, a performance by the Joyce Carol Oates Dancers, and Billy Dee Williams jumping a motorcycle over Andrew Lloyd Webber, Mary Tyler Moore, and David Hyde Pierce.

Great job, Neil, and congratulations to all the winners!  Speedy recovery, Mr. Hyde Pierce!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Joan Rivers

I usually think it's preferable to get the celebrity in focus.

But in this shot, the camera focusing on the gum led to an amazing discovery.  Look at what I found when I zoomed in super-close.

This raises more questions than it answers.  In fact, it doesn't even answer any questions.
NOTE: Best viewed on a larger screen in order to see the important detail.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Michael Fassbender

Very glad to have gotten this photo of Michael Fassbender, star of last year's "Shame" and the current blockbuster "Prometheus."

Thanks to the odd resemblance, I can re-use the photo in a future post in which I'll claim it's Syrian tyrant Bashar al-Assad.  

It may be my only chance of getting al-Assad on CelebriGum, since it's looking less and less likely that we'll have him on the Late Show. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Alan Jackson

Since the beginning of CelebriGum, the coveted "CelebriGum Hat Of The Year Award" has always gone to either Jack Hanna or Johnny Depp.

However, it looks like this year, country star Alan Jackson will be tough to beat.

Alan, this is yours to lose...

You'd just better hope Jack Hanna doesn't get any crazy ideas.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Eva Longoria

Remember Mad Libs?  Mad Libs is a fun party game, assuming the party is attended by at least two people.  Directions: solicit the indicated kinds of words from your fellow party-goer(s), then write the responses on your computer screen using Wite-Out.  Then read back the completed Mad Lib and enjoy.

Eva Longoria arrives at the (adjective)________ Show with David Letterman to discuss the finale of her long-running (appliance)________ series, (adjective)"_________ Housewives."  As she alights from her SU(consonant)___, the (Italian word with multiple p's and z's)_____________ shout, "Eva!  Eva!"  They're unaware that the (adjective)_________ wad of (rubber-based substance)_________ (number)_____ feet above is the real star.  Meanwhile, Steve (relative age)_________, proprietor of celebrigum.(top-level domain)_______, demonstrates an increasingly (adjective meaning shaky)__________ grasp of how (adjective rhyming with "Bad")________ Libs work.

Wite-Out is a registered trademark for a brand of correction fluid manufactured by the (BIC Corporation)_____________________.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Keith Olbermann

Keith arrives on 53rd Street.  Not to tape a Late Show guest appearance…

…but rather to host the latest incarnation of his own show in the adjoining basement of Rupert Jee's Hello Deli.  The nightly show is not televised, but the handful of tourists on folding chairs who watch Keith say he's quite articulate.

However, there are rumors that Rupert and Keith aren't getting along.  Keith complains that Rupert simply isn't equipped to produce a top-flight show, while Rupert says Keith's show is in the way when he goes downstairs to retrieve napkins and condiments.

I have a bad feeling about this. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

Megan Mullally

So close.

The Witherspoon Double-Shot entry garnered several awards, such as the Spoony and the Doubly, for its unprecedented pairing of disparate Witherspoons.  I thought I was about to hit Doubly gold a second time with a Mullally Double-Shot.

Here's Megan Mullally…

But the CEO of Ford spells his last name differently.

Damn you, Alan Mulally!  Would it have killed you to move over that L in your first name and become Aan Mullally?

Oh.  As a matter of fact, a quick Google search turned up this news item from last October:

ALBANY, NY (AP) -- A local man is in serious condition after an attempted letter swap went awry.  Lloyd Mulally, 31, of Pine Hills, was discovered unconscious by friends with the small "l" from his first name partially inserted into his last name.  He was transported to Albany Memorial Hospital where a team of surgeons restored the "l" to its original position.  Mulally is expected to survive.

Okay, Alan, you should stick with Mulally.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Conan O'Brien

I had to fight very hard to keep Jay Leno from replacing Conan in this photo.

Remember, joke references need to age at least two years in order to reach full, mellow, oaky maturity!  A comedy tip from CelebriGum's Master Distiller.