"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Friday, April 29, 2011

Selena Gomez

As I tried to figure out what to say about the Selena Gomez picture, I had an angel on each shoulder.  They were quite chatty.

Bad Angel: "Here's all you need to do.  Dash off some little Gomez-gum-gumez pun."

Good Angel: "No, you can do much better.  How about a wry meditation on fame, with a witty tie-in to the gum as some kind of metaphor or whatnot."

Bad Angel: "Boring.  Okay, she's supposed to be dating Justin Bieber.  How about a cheap joke about Justin Bieber's hair?"

Good Angel: "Aim higher!  Anyway, he got a haircut.  Maybe…hmm….okay, if you absolutely must do a pun, make it about how she's famous for discovering the element selenium."

Bad Angel: "Who invited the nerd?  Just do one of your stupid doctored photo things where the gum is wearing a hat or something."

Good Angel: "Why a hat?"

Bad Angel: "Because, I don't know, it's… What is selenium, anyway?"

Good Angel: "It's a non-metallic element related to sulfur and tellurium, used mostly in glassmaking, chemicals, and pigments.  It's necessary in trace amounts for good cellular function in animals.  Its atomic number is 34."

Bad Angel: "Okay, I guess that does sound pretty funny.  Go with that."

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ricky Gervais, and a Moment of Sheer Terror

"That's a pretty good one," you say to yourself.  "We see Ricky's face, he's making an interesting gesture…wait…OH MY GOD!"

Something is terribly wrong.  What at first glance looks like a perfectly respectable CelebriGum photo has…no gum.

Did it fall off the ledge?  Was it kidnapped by a crazed fan?  Is this the end of CelebriGum?  

"Should I cancel my broadband and bring my computer to one of those eco-friendly tech recycling centers?" you're now wondering, as your vision becomes blurred with tears.

Calm down, my friend.  I happened to be at a different window when Ricky arrived.  I was back in position when he left.

Sorry to have scared you, but I think it can be healthy to occasionally face our darkest fears, and contemplate the fragility of existence.

Though I was thinking I might stick a wad of gum on the other ledge, as a backup.  That's how you know your business model is working: franchises.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Eva Longoria

Like Dave, I found Eva Longoria's outfit a bit distracting.

Apparently she did too.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bradley Cooper

Mr. Cooper is making his CelebriGum appearance on a special day.  On the ledge is a wad of guest gum, joining us under the auspices of the Foreign Gum Exchange Program.

CelebriGum welcome this lovely piece of gum from abroad and hopes that it enjoys its time in New York.  

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, our own beloved piece of gum is having a memorable weekend:


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Norah Jones

Are you an A-list musical celebrity wondering whether or not to appear on the Late Show?  Consider this:

Top musical stars who agree to perform on the Late Show are eligible for a free pizza!  (Terms and restrictions apply.  Toppings extra.  Must be consumed off-premises. Price of pizza deducted from appearance fee.  Little plastic white table-shaped thing to prevent pizza from sticking to inside top of box not included.)

Call the Late Show talent booking department today and mention the promotional code "CelebriGum"! 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Charles Barkley

CelebriGum is thrilled to announce its first product placement deal with a major corporation!  

Okay, it's not exactly a deal yet, but I'm hoping that by highlighting what appears to be a bottle of Diet Coke held by Charles Barkley, I'll inspire the fine people at Coca-Cola to get on board.  For an offer somewhere in the mid-seven figure range, I'd consider renaming this website "Coca-Cola Presents CelebriGum."

Or, if that's too much of a commitment, ten bucks to cover CelebriGum's domain registration fee for the year would be great.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Katie Couric

Katie may have picked the right time to leave.  The relentless budget cuts have devastated CBS's once-proud News division.

This is the only cameraman CBS News has left.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Adam Sandler

Who's the bigger star, Adam Sandler or the gum?  Let's compare:

Adam Sandler: Movies have grossed almost $2 billion worldwide; earned acclaim during five years on "SNL"; has won several People's Choice, Teen Choice, and MTV Movie Awards

The Gum: CelebriGum website has only grossed $650 million; has hosted "SNL" just once to lukewarm reviews; nominated for a 2010 Golden Globe Award but lost, second runner-up for 2010 Nobel Peace Prize

Okay, Adam, you win -- for now. But watch out: the gum is young and hungry.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mindy Kaling, and an Important Announcement

Changes to the CelebriGum Constitution are quite rare.  The by-laws state that a unanimous vote by the Board of Directors is required to ratify any amendment, no matter how minor.

However, after extensive debate, the CelebriGum organization has formally acknowledged a slight paradigm shift, as sharp-eyed readers will note in the explanatory blurb at the top of the page.

At first, I only took pictures of celebrities coming in.  Now, due to ever-more-intense professional demands during the hour before showtime, I don't spend as much time by the window, and I miss many arrivals. 

So I've been taking more photos of celebrities as they leave.  It can be tricky, since there's usually no warning of when the stage door will open, unlike an arrival when I see the black celebmobile pulling up.  

But I'm not complaining.  I got Mindy Kaling's right arm, left hand, left leg, right knee, and best of all, about 63% of her face, give or take.  I often don't do that well with celebrities on their way in.

Every cloud has a dull gray, sooty lining.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Willie Nelson

You may notice that the gum seems unusually giddy.  That's because when Willie opened the door to exit his tour bus, twenty yards downwind the gum got a contact high.

I, however, held my breath until the cloud passed.  I need to be at my sharpest to produce photographic masterpieces such as these.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Jamie Oliver makes CelebriGum history!

Most celebrities take the elevator from their upper floor dressing rooms down to ground level when they leave the Ed Sullivan Theater.  Not Jamie Oliver.  He came down the stairs, and encountered me as I waited at my second floor window. 

I smiled and said "Hello…when you go out, could you do me a favor and look up at me?"

Hoping to seal the deal, I added, "I take pictures of the guests going in and out of the theater, and each picture has this old piece of gum in the foreground."

Jamie glanced at the gum.  He seemed unmoved.  But he said "I'll do my best."

He was a man of his word.  Ladies and gentlemen, the first CelebriGum celebrity awareness and eye contact.

Then everyone else had to see what Jamie found so interesting on the second floor.

Thanks, Jamie!  

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ed Helms

CelebriGum is pleased to feature its first backpack-wearing celebrity!  Mr. Helms is charmingly unpretentious.

However, the increasingly heavy backpacks carried by today's celebrities can lead to back pain and poor posture, according to the American Celebrity Chiropractic Association.

Celebrities are encouraged to follow these backpack guidelines:

* Make sure your backpack weighs no more than 10% of your celebrity body weight.

* Choose a backpack with wide, padded straps, and always wear both straps when traveling to talk show appearances, award shows, and gala premieres.

* If the backpack is too heavy, talk to your manager or agent about which Emmys or Oscars, large stacks of cash, or other celebrity items could be left at home.  

Be safe, Ed!  A reminder from your friends at CelebriGum.

ALERT!  Historic CelebriGum entry coming on Saturday!  

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Spring Cleaning!

The hallways and stairwells of CelebriGum's luxurious midtown office suite are heaped with piles of outtakes.  It's a mess, and frankly, it's a fire hazard.  Look at these photos so they can finally be moved to secure off-site storage!

 Paris Hilton. That was a big day for CelebriGum: I got 15 photos of her plus a video.

 Justin Bieber didn't linger as long as Paris, but I got a couple good shots. 

Red has been popular.  Snooki's skirt...  

...Donald Trump's tie...

...and Barbara Walters' shoes.  I was wondering, why do they look familiar?

Oh, right, Amar'e Stoudemire borrowed them.  

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Vanessa Hudgens

Temporarily blinded by the paparazzi flash…

…Miss Hudgens blundered past the stage door, continued east at a brisk pace, and was eventually found hours later staggering through a light industrial neighborhood of Queens, exhausted and terrified.  

Vanessa's sight has returned and she's resumed her very successful career.  She's one of the lucky ones.  Each year, dozens of celebrities wander off after being dazzled by high-powered camera flashes, and many are never seen again.

April is Lost Celebrity Awareness Month.  CelebriGum supports the proposal to microchip our precious celebrities so their whereabouts can be monitored at all times. 

Friday, April 1, 2011

Hank Aaron

As America turns once again to baseball, it's an honor to have Hank Aaron, legendary star of the "national pastime," on CelebriGum, the "national wastetime."

What did you think of that one, gum?

Gum: "A weak grounder to short!"

Oh yeah?  Well, look at you -- you're a ball that's high and outside.

"Is that even a joke?"

That's enough, gum.  Let's not fight in front of the kids.