"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Friday, March 30, 2012

Kristen Wiig

Remember the old Trident ads which claimed that "Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum"?  

CelebriGum is thrilled to introduce a special guest columnist: the mysterious fifth dentist!

"Thank you for inviting me to be a guest columnist.  Please understand that I can't reveal my name or location.  Ever since the gum recommendation fiasco of the 1960's, I've been in hiding."

"Everyone assumes I cynically recommended gum with sugar so I could get more business filling cavities.  Not true.  I simply thought sugarless gum was too new for its relative merits to be known, so I wasn't ready to recommend it.  But nobody wanted to hear that; I was now "the evil dentist," and colleagues and patients shunned me.  Then I started receiving threats from Trident's goons.  Thank God for the American Dental Association's Witness Protection Program.  I was able to resettle my family in a different city and start a new practice, once my plastic surgery was completed."  

"As for your Kristen Wiig photograph, it's nice, I suppose.  I heard she was good in that "Wedding Ladies" movie.  I don't really get the whole gum and celebrity concept, but if it makes you happy, great."

"Not that it matters now, but yeah, sugarless gum is fine.  Go nuts, chew it 24/7.  I don't care anymore.  Though I do encourage you to floss."

"Now if you'll excuse me, the new issue of "Modern Endodontics" just arrived and I want to see if they published my poem.  Again, thank you for inviting me."

I was hoping the column would be more about the photo of Kristen Wiig with the gum, but still, a fascinating glimpse of a pivotal 20th century figure.  No promises on the flossing.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Joan Rivers

A close call for stagehand Tommy O'Brien, in the gray Late Show jacket.

As he told me later, "That morning I was this close to wearing the exact same white fur coat!  How embarrassing would that have been?  OMG, my stagehand friends would've, like, never let me forget it!"

And I was all, like, "Whatevs."

This concludes CelebriGum's Awkwardly Trying To Appeal To Teenagers Edition, featuring teen favorite Joan Rivers.  Stay in school, kids!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Matthew Broderick and Bonus Celebrity

Two celebrities in one shot!

There's Matthew Broderick, eternally boyish star of stage and screen.

And of course on the right is Arthur Slovmayer, world-famous founder of Slovmayer Novelties, maker of the wildly popular hat and fake beard combo that put the classic fake nose and glasses out of business.  

When Matthew heard that Arthur was going to be on the Late Show, he loitered on 53rd Street in hopes of greeting his idol.  This photo, taken seconds after they met, shows Matthew excitedly describing the encounter to a fellow Slov-head as Slovmayer graciously gives an autograph to another fan.

Maybe someday Matthew will be big enough to merit his very own entry.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Jon Hamm

"Mad Men" season 5 spoiler alert!

Don Draper arrives at the headquarters of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce's new client, Consolidated Orange Cone, to pitch ideas for an upcoming ad campaign.

As he heads in to the meeting, Don is suddenly plagued by misgivings about the proposed slogans:

"Orange You Glad You Went With Consolidated?"

"You'd Have To Have A Heart Of Stone Not To Love An Orange Cone!"

"The Hip Cone With The Now Kind Of Youthful Vibe For Today's With-It Roads"

"Think Of Them As The Hats Of Kooky Witches Who Promote Traffic Safety"

The presentation goes poorly and Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce loses the account.  However, Don gets the last laugh, as orange road cones fail to catch on as a consumer item and Consolidated Orange Cone is bought out by National Pointy.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

First Lady Michelle Obama, Sort Of

The First Lady!  What a feather she would be in CelebriGum's sooty gray cap!  But by the time I got over to the theater, she had already arrived.  Late Show security told me I might be able to take pictures later as she left, but that I shouldn't open the window.

I was wanded, as was everyone else going in.  Even intern and occasional CelebriGum guest photographer Justin Tasolides wasn't exempt.

As the First Lady's final segment was ending, I returned to the theater.  A large crowd had gathered on 53rd Street.

I mentioned my plan to photograph the First Lady to one Secret Service agent, and got the okay.  But a moment after I took the photo below, the man by the front of the diagonally-parked SUV saw me and glared.  I displayed my harmless little camera and smiled hopefully, but he apparently was not a CelebriGum fan.  He vigorously gestured for me to move away from the window.  

I decided CelebriGum wasn't worth dying for.  I complied.

Shortly thereafter, I heard cheers as Michelle Obama came out.  I boldly took a photo of her SUV as it pulled away.

Due to these extraordinary circumstances, CelebriGum is forced to present this simulation of the First Lady with the gum.

My apologies to Michelle Obama, the President, and the entire Obama family.  Also to the Chevrolet division of General Motors.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Andrew Lincoln

If you're not familiar with Andrew Lincoln, he's one of the stars of AMC's "The Walking Dead."  But you don't need to know that in order to enjoy this odd tableau.

I like weirdly compelling CelebriGum photos like this one because I think they can stand on their own without my blah blah blah.  Oh, I like doing the blah blah blah, don't get me wrong.  Many times it's turned an uninteresting photo into a worthwhile entry.  But it's always good to… wait, I thought the point of this one was that I'd do less talking.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Michelle Williams

Attention, celebrities appearing on New York talk shows!  Beware of the latest scam!

After your vehicle pulls in and you get out, you're accosted by a distraught woman.  "Oh my God!" she wails.  "Your SUV just ran over my paper cup!"  She indicates a mangled paper cup on the pavement near your vehicle's tire as a few "random bystanders" nod in agreement.

Because you're a good person, you want to make things right.  You offer to reimburse her for the paper cup.  This calms her down.  She claims the paper cup's replacement cost is $8.  This seems high, but if you object, she starts to crank up the hysteria again.  Anxious to end the unpleasantness, you hand over the $8 and hurry inside.

Of course, your SUV didn't run over the cup; she planted it there the instant you parked.  And $8 is far too much to pay for a new paper cup.  Savvy New Yorkers can usually get them for under $4.  But by the time you realize all this, the scam artist and her confederates have gleefully pocketed their $2 each and are on to their next easy mark.

If you believe you have been a victim of the Paper Cup Scam, contact the Manhattan District Attorney's office.  

Friday, March 16, 2012

CelebriGum Presents: Redheads

Three shades of red.  One shade of gray.

Emmy award-winning comedian, actress, writer, and producer Kathy Griffin.

From "The Office" and "Bridesmaids," Ellie Kemper.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson of "Modern Family."

Bonus! Out-Of-Focus Redhead!

Bonus bonus: Redhead showing off the lining of his jacket! 

Plus a guy leaning over near old gum!  Wow!  You people are the luckiest folks on the internet.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Paul Rudd

Paul's normally glad to mingle and chat with folks on the street, but on this particular day he was getting over a cold and decided he couldn't take the chance of infecting his fans.

Gentleman that he is, he convinced the Times Square Madame Tussaud's to bring their Paul Rudd wax statue up to 53rd Street for a photo opportunity.

Everyone went home happy, and healthy.  Smart move, Paul!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Joan Baez

Joan is a legendary singer-songwriter with a deep commitment to social issues. 

Human rights, the environment, peace, and better nighttime lighting for discarded gum are just a few of the important causes she's fought for.

Joan, deep in my heart, I do believe, we shall overcome someday. 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Ryan Reynolds

A hint of trouble to come: the driver hands Ryan's assistant the wardrobe for his guest segment.  

When Ryan came out on stage wearing only shoes and a suit jacket, the appearance was hastily cancelled.  A previous Ryan Reynolds interview from last June had to be clumsily edited into that night's show.

Ryan was exhausted from promoting his new film "Safe House" and can't be blamed for not thinking straight.  And in his defense, he did look pretty good.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Kristen Johnston

Getting booked on the Late Show?  Fans on the street shooting video of you?  Even appearing on CelebriGum?  Eh, ordinary celebri-stuff.

Convincing the security guy to wear a tie that coordinates with your dress: now that's star power.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


CelebriGum is excited to welcome only its second single-name star, after Sting.  And the first one to get his own entry: Sting was relegated to the Two-Thirds of The Police entry.

Still hoping to eventually get Madonna, Cher, Oprah, and Fidel.

And how great would it be to get a picture of the gum with Jesus!

I'm not optimistic.  Even if Jesus comes back, he'll probably only do Jay.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Lisa Lampanelli

Filthy but beloved gum, meet filthy but beloved comedienne!

Now that's what I call synergy.  Or some other empty buzzword from about a dozen years ago.

Special bonus: Here's a preview of CelebriGum's even more esoteric spin-off, CelebreflectiGum.  

As Dave likes to say, there is no "off" position on the Genius Switch.  However, CelebriGum is proof that there's a dimmer.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Jon Stewart

A reminder to all inmates behind the metal barriers of New York's minimum security prisons:

Celebrities such as Jon Stewart visit you out of the goodness of their hearts.  As they leave, do not create an awkward situation by pleading with them to smuggle in cigarettes, weapons, or other contraband.  

If there are further incidents of this sort, Mayor Bloomberg will take the city's prison facilities off the honor system, and nobody wants that.