"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Monday, November 26, 2012

Scarlett Johansson

Attention movie and theater producers!

Are you looking for a highly opaque actress to star in your next film or play?  Consider Scarlett Johansson!

Studies have shown that over 97% of light rays hitting Ms. Johansson's body are blocked, resulting in the bold shadows demanded by today's audiences!  

Don't make the mistake of casting an actress who turns out to be translucent.  Call Ms. Johansson's representatives today!


  1. The Toast in the MachineNovember 26, 2012 at 10:33 PM

    If you're gonna cast an actress, remember to cast her in lead.

    (After I typed it, I noticed "lead" can be read two ways. Hooray for happy accidents!)

  2. ScarJo is neither translucent nor transcendent in her performances; really just an opaque and quite ordinary actress. I know, everyone's a critic. On the other hand, she always looks good, so ... Love that film noir-ish shadow ...


  3. I'd be willing to vomit next to her, regardless of the pay.

    1. Note to visiting ScarJo fans: do not be alarmed by this odd statement! Karl is referencing the previous CelebriGum entry, which involved vomiting!

      Well, okay, you can be a little alarmed.

  4. Operators are standing by; call now!

    1. Since no phone number has been provided, just start guessing!

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