Jack Hanna

Whenever Jack Hanna is on the Late Show, 53rd Street becomes the setting for an exciting photographic safari.

 Jack's hat makes him easy to pick out in difficult conditions.

With Jack on the street, you never know what exotic species you might suddenly see in your viewfinder:

A penguin!

A White-Crested British Cumberbatch!  And a doggie!

Fun's over.  Jack's going inside.

Time for the Columbus Zoo staffers to get out the lint roller and remove the animal hairs.

 Keep at it, kids.  This is going to take a while. 

Matthew McConaughey

The annual CBS Upfront presentation, at which the network reveals its fall schedule and introduces new shows, is just a few days away.  This year, CBS and CelebriGum are teaming up to produce a thrilling new drama.  CelebriGum is proud to present this preview!

(TENSE MUSIC)

Matthew McConaughey... a man with a unique talent... but is it a blessing or a curse?  Whenever he steps outside... 


"Mr. McConaughey!  Look at this carry-on!"

"Okay." 

 "Check out the zippered compartments, the sturdy construction…"

 "Yes, I see."

"It's barely used…what do you think?"

"Twenty dollars."

"Matthew McConaughey: Pre-Owned Luggage Appraiser."  Coming this fall to --

(TENSE MUSIC CUTS OUT)

I'm sorry, I'm being told "Matthew McConaughey: Pre-Owned Luggage Appraiser" has just been canceled.  Probably for the best; though the acting was good, the writing was terrible.

Instead, CBS has just green-lit another CelebriGum series.  It's a reality show called "Gum's Eye View." 

It gets dark, then light again.  Clouds go by.  Sometimes it rains.  There might be a bird.

CBS: The Tiffany Network. Only on CBS.

Celebrigum #500: Paris Hilton

For CelebriGum's 500th entry, I wanted something special.  Paris Hilton, a celebrity made for CelebriGum if ever there was one, seemed ideal.  And while I did get plenty of classic CelebriGum photos of Paris…

… it just wasn't enough.  I wanted something freaky, different, and surprising -- and I found it.

In many of the photos, Paris is reflected in her SUV.  And thanks to the great camera I'm using, these little details blow up pretty well.  Please enjoy these freaky, different, and surprising Paris Hilton images.

And since this is CelebriGum, I would be remiss if I didn't include the corresponding gum from each of those photos.

                     

                     

                                             

Thanks for indulging me along the road to 500.  Onward to 5,000,000!

Jon Hamm

Now, ladies…

I realize that some of you may have been hoping for CelebriGum photos of Jon Hamm with a good view of certain… details.  

For those of you arriving late to this story, it seems that sometimes photos of Mr. Hamm are inadvertently suggestive.  (No, I'm not going to provide you with links.  Go Google yourself.)

Clearly, these photos do not qualify.

But I want to provide a memorable photographic experience, so I'll share an image that's even more explicit.

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

SENSITIVE VIEWERS MAY WISH TO CLICK AWAY

MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN

SERIOUSLY, YOU MAY FIND THIS DISTURBING

That's what gum looks like after approximately five years on a New York City window ledge.

I warned you.  Don't like it?  Go Google yourself.

Next time: CelebriGum's 500th entry!

Ryan Lochte

 Ryan's out of the car…

 On the sidewalk, looking strong…

 The turn… well-executed and smooth…

 The pose… holding it…

 The final lunge…

…and he touches!  What was his time?

32.29 seconds -- he did it!  Lochte has set a new world record for Most Average Car-to-Theater-Door Time!

Catch all the excitement of the 2013 McMurdo Station Summer Olympic Games, this August!*  Only on CBS!*

* not confirmed

Selena Gomez

A career website recently released its rankings of 200 jobs.  Several factors were considered: working environment, employment outlook, income, and stress.

"Selena Gomez Standing Place Pointer" was ranked 3rd, surpassed only by "Actuary" and "Biomedical Engineer."  Apparently the pay is great, it's a decent work environment, there's high demand, and the stress is low.

Strangely, the "Selena Gomez" job, while generally desirable, was ranked only 35th, between "Respiratory Therapist" and "Astronomer."  The pay is excellent, but it's very stressful being told where to stand.

"Celebrity and Old Gum Photographer" was ranked near the bottom at 193rd, between "Roofer" and "Meter Reader."  No pay. Hanging around old gum all the time.  Low demand.  And brain-melting stress, let me tell you. 

I'm going to take some night school pointing classes and see what happens.

Guess The Mystery Celebrity

 Can you guess the Mystery Celebrity from studying her shadow?

So as to not place the answer directly below, tempting you to glance at it before you've had a chance to really formulate a guess, here are several "filler" elements.  Reprising the theme from the recent Steve Martin entry, they're from vintage trade publications.

From a 1904 issue of "The Gas Engine," a monthly trade magazine for the gas engine industry, encompassing stationary, automobile, and marine engines.  

From the August 1921 issue of The American Hatter, the fan favorite that was introduced in the Steve Martin entry.

From the September 1894 issue of The Starchroom, one of the leading laundry industry publications of the era.  Some would say the leading laundry industry publication of the era.  I think the jury is still out.

Okay.  Enough weird old crap.  The Mystery Celebrity is…

Kate Hudson!

Kate, a favorite of wide-awake laundrymen everywhere, is no freak.

Enigmatic Kate Hudson bonus photo:

Vintage trade publication bonus image:

From Hardware Dealers' Magazine, February 1910.

There's a lot of this stuff available for browsing on Google Books.  Occasionally there's a scanning misfire:

What were we talking about?  Oh right, Kate Hudson.  Sorry, I get distracted easily by weird old crap.

A.J. Clemente

Two quite different strategies for achieving instant fame:

1. Be a rookie news anchor who doesn't realize his microphone is on and mutters profanities during the first few seconds of his very first newscast, thereby getting fired but also becoming a media sensation who appears on the Late Show.

2. Be photographed by CelebriGum walking down 53rd Street with a piece of paper inexplicably clamped in your mouth.

Will their fame be fleeting?  Will either ever be featured on CelebriGum again? 

A.J., you were charming and we're all rooting for you.  That said, I have an unerring instinct for picking winners, and I don't think we've seen the last of Paper-In-Mouth Guy.

Steve Martin

Setting: my brain

Dramatis personae: two perpetually arguing voices in my brain (everyone has those, right?)

Voice 1: There he is, in the fedora!  Hey, you know what would be cute?  Use the photo editing software to put Steve's fedora on the gum!

Voice 2: Ehh… no.

Voice 1: Do it!  Do it now!  He's about to get in the car, and then the entry will be over, and you'll have nothing!

Voice 2: I don't know; it seems both right-up-the-middle and meaningless.

Voice 1: You don't have the luxury of worrying about that when… hold on.  That wasn't his car.

Voice 2: Okay, good.  That buys me a little more time.  

Voice 1: Hurry!  Steve's car is right behind the first one!  You still haven't figured out a viable idea for this entry, have you?

Voice 2: It's just photos of celebrities juxtaposed with old gum.  That's enough.

Voice 1: That's not enough!  It hasn't been enough since the third entry!

Voice 2: I know, I know.  I always come up with something.  Give me a second, I'm thinking.

Voice 1: No time to think!  Put the fedora on the gum!  It'll be cute, it'll seem like something!

Voice 2:  I just… eh, I can't.

Voice 1:  Too late.  He's in the car.  You blew it, Mr. High Artistic Standards.  Game over.

Voice 2:  Hold on… what about….

Voice 1:  Huh?  I don't even get that.

Voice 2:  I know.  That's why I like it.

"Two Voices In My Head Arguing About The Steve Martin Entry" is brought to you by the August 1921 issue of The American Hatter Magazine, which reminds you:

 

Voice 2: This website has run completely off the rails.

Voice 1: For once, I agree with you.