"A perfectly silly, genius idea" -- David Letterman

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ted Danson

CelebriGum is thrilled to welcome a very special guest commentator: Bill Wrigley, Jr., the chairman of the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company, one of the world's top producers of chewing gum!

All right, Bill, let's see what you've got.

"Hah, there's Ted Danson from "Cheers Bar."  I liked that show.  He was very funny with that heavyset girl, what's her name, the skater, Kristi Yamaguchi.  Nice shot of the ledge gum, too.  Doublemint, obviously.  I gotta hand it to the boys in our Latex Department--they know what they're doing when it comes to long-term adhesion.  But would you look at all that gum on the sidewalk!  I'm seeing various Wrigley products, some Trident, a smattering of Dentyne, a couple pieces of Bazooka, even a Stimorol on the upper left.  Sure, I can tell them apart from here.  It's all about the slightly varying shades of gray and the subtle differences in flattened wad sizes.  See, I spent years overseeing our Gum Decay Lab.  Multi-million dollar facility.  We track how various brands degrade when exposed to harsh real-world conditions.  Did you know that even repeated lightning strikes don't significantly damage most kinds of sidewalk gum?  It's a little different for your sugar-free varieties, of course, since they've got a more acidic--"

Okay, Bill, we're out of time for today!  Thanks so much! 


  1. Hey, you're right - that bag is from Barney's. I wouldn't know Barney's since I'm one of the unwashed rabble from the "sticks".

  2. Oh dear, you're one of the 99%? I'm afraid I need to reassess our relationship.

  3. You probably should. I can barely stand myself.

  4. Looks like that 8th grade report on the Gum Industry just wrote it's self. And not a decade too soon!

  5. Sweet, looks like my 8th grade report on the American Gum Industry finally wrote it's self! Not a decade too soon.