Thursday, August 30, 2012
First Lady Michelle Obama
The First Lady is far from the ideal CelebriGum subject, as I learned the last time she visited the Late Show. The Secret Service takes a dim view of people lurking at windows holding metallic objects. Motioned away from the gum window by a no-nonsense agent in March, I had to resort to this pathetic simulation.
I seemed to have no better luck this time. Tight security, stay away from the window, no photos, failure. But as I was about to leave for the day, my phone rang.
"Yes, who's calling?"
"How ya doin', this is Jim from the National Security Agency. Look, the President and Mrs. Obama are big CelebriGum fans, and they wanted you to have a Michelle Obama gum picture. So at the President's request, we tasked one of our reconnaissance satellites to pass over 53rd Street as the First Lady was arriving. I'll email you the photo."
"Wow, great! You can send it to celebrigum-at--"
"Oh, we know the email address. We're the National Security Agency, for crissakes."
"Of course. I'm standing by for your email, Jim."
"Jim isn't really my name. My actual name's classified. It rhymes with "Beff"."
"If I even told you whether you're hot or cold, we'd both go to prison for a long time."
"Right. Just send me the photo."
So, here are your tax dollars at work:
Okay, apparently it's not one of the NSA's most cutting edge high-resolution satellites, but I appreciate the gesture.
Thank you, Mr. President and Michelle, and thank you, "Jim," for helping bring CelebriGum's Gimmick Month to a dramatic, low-rent "Bourne" movie close.